On Friendship & Communication

Why is it difficult to make really good friends? I mean friends who you can go to a deeper level with? It is an issue for some of us. I have an easy time making new friends, but a difficult time getting past the surface with some people. I wrote the following thoughts yesterday in response to an email that I received.

(To me,) it is in the sharing intimate parts of ourselves with others, making ourselves slightly vulnerable, by allowing others to see us for who we are, that aid in facilitating the creation of deeper friendships. I think people, in general, are afraid to share too much with other people, perhaps unconsciously not wanting others to know that their lives aren't perfect, that they struggle sometimes, wander, come upon hardships, think differently from their friends on various issues, etc. They want to give the illusion that life is fine and that they are just like anyone else. They don't want to stick out, and so they stick to things that are not difficult to talk about, or that aren't shocking, disagreeable, potentially offensive, painful, honest, or too revealing. They play it safe. It's part of being human. Pride and cowardice get in the pathway of letting people in, to really get to know us for who we are, what we think, how we feel.... And as a result, the common, on-the-surface, friendship lives on, and on-the-surface banter, as you say, takes the form of how many might define conversation. I, too, struggle with this, with making new friends, and especially with communicating with my immediate family. I've thought a lot about why conversation has taken this form. I've even fallen into the trap of behaving that way, so as not to make others uncomfortable or to rock the societal boat. I, sometimes, deliberately take people out of their comfort zones by posing questions to, at the very least, try to start a deeper, more meaningful conversation. I think that the deeper conversations build deeper rooted connections with people. It is really difficult for some people to go there. And on my end, though I'd rather keep having those meaningful conversations, I often get tired of trying to take people there, not out of fear for how others perceive me, but just from feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall! Make any sense?

One of my struggles, as I've mentioned to you before, is my family. I love them, and I am loved by them, but there isn't a lot of connecting going on. Conversations are very surfacy, and very short. My aunt, who happens to be an aunt by marriage, is my one deep-rooted familial connection. Perhaps my maternal grandmother as well, and that's it, which frustrates me to no end. My brother and I talk a couple of times a week, but usually about his party lifestyle and his work, and then he has to go. He won't let me in.

My thoughts on why society leans towards this type of friendship and communication system.... The age of the parlor room is long gone. A room devoted to sitting and conversing, discussing and debating anything and everything is long past, and our attention, thanks or no thanks to rapid fire and ever "improving" technology, has shifted. People are so busy doing things, running here and there, with the convenience of being able to do just about anything or get anything in a comparatively short amount of time, that there isn't the time for deep-rooted thought, or the pursuit of encouraging that thought through study, or time for meaningful conversation. As we have the ability to get more things done, and multi-task more in a shorter period of time, we, as well as others, expect us to get more accomplished in the same amount of time, which doesn't always happen, as multiple distractions arise, etc. My impression is that a good majority of people spend very little time really thinking about much of anything, even about their relationships or themselves (other than on a surface level). And if they aren't really thinking about anything, then they haven't much to really talk about. It saddens me. And it feels like an uphill battle.

Perhaps, this is why I've been struggling lately. I've been busy, and most of my life-supports (deep-rooted friends) have been busy and the last month has been void of real connecting with people.
In thinking about the root of "communication," I looked up the word "commune" on a couple of online dictionaries for an exact definition. Here are two that I found.

v 1: communicate intimately with; be in a state of heightened, intimate receptivity
1. To converse together with sympathy and confidence; to interchange sentiments or feelings; to take counsel.

These definitions fit how I perceive and prefer communication, but I think that most of society has lost these meanings. And so, if real communication has somewhat slipped by the wayside, what will happen in the future? I shutter to think about it. And in the meantime, I hold tight to my close friends, and keep a sharp lookout for anyone willing to reminisce about how to truly communicate and are even willing to try it out. We're a relatively small group of people, I think.