Time away from home and my busy schedule is a little taste of Heaven for me. (I didn't say that I didn't miss home and those dwelling in my home.) I enjoy the time away to slow down, reflect on where my life's path has meandered, look forward to where possibilities lie, and take inventory of my own current needs, which I sometimes forget about.
Though I'm off making music in another state, I'm learning about my deficiencies as a musician, a human, a daughter, and a wife. I'm also realizing new strengths that were unknown to me. I love opportunity, and I was taught to take as many of them as I can. This year, the opportunities have been plentiful, and I've reached a state of chaos and unbalance. My career path of music and of teaching music, hands me more work than I should take on. I've overextended myself, and now I feel I fail each area of my life just a little bit, out of lack of time. My art is suffering, my relationships are suffering, my mental, physical and spiritual states are suffering.
I want to live more simply, with mindfulness and intention.
I want a life of not spending 2 or more hours in the car a day, wasting resources, time and physical energy driving to one of my jobs where the return value is not greater than or equal to the given value. I want to focus more on my own art---performing and studying, perhaps less on teaching it. I want to be fresh, and a better teacher for my students, not worn out, lacking energy and creativity. I want to find, rediscover, and feel my passion again, and to be able to see and feel others' passions again. I want to spend time in meditation, in communicating and communion with my family and friends, and in exercising my body and my mind.
I want to gain control of my life again.
Reclaiming my life means making sacrifices and living with a feeling of letting people down, or leaving people behind. That is hard for me, as I have a strong sense of loyalty to people. Reclaiming life, might be best in a new place, with a new opportunity. It would be like starting over. The opportunity exists, and could mean a move in the next 1 to 5 months. It would mean abandoning all other opportunities that I have accepted in the past 10 or 12 years. That is a little hard to let go of. I do not fear change. I embrace it and thrive on it. Change has always been the constant in my life.
What to do, what to do....???
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