Quiet Solitude

Soft breeze, cloudless sky, warmth of the golden sun on my shoulders....

As I meandered around on the campus of Oral Roberts University (ORU) this morning, I felt a quiet, peaceful energy surround me. I was in search of a bench to rest for an hour or so, and found a weathered, once painted blue, wooden bench in the middle of a garden area. I took it, as it was the first one I found, and I wanted to disappear into the texture of the garden, feeling as though I was invisible to the others walking about.

At first, I sat and searched for the perfect music on the I-pod, a piece or song to accompany my serene mood. I sensed a spiritual presence with me. I settled on Brahms' Eines Deutches Requiem (German Requiem). Being a requiem, it has a strong spiritual undertone. I listened with my eyes closed for a long time, almost in a meditative state, not really thinking about anything. (That was a miracle in itself, as I have a difficult time turning my thoughts off.) When I opened my eyes, I realized that the worn bench that I chose placed me directly in front of a stunning butterfly garden, full of yellow and orange brown-eyed susans and other butterfly attracting flowers. And amid those happy little flowers, there were maybe 20-30 butterflies. Some, wings wide open, were sunning themselves. Others seemed to be pairing up together on other flowers. The mix of colors was symphonic, a melding of various hues and textures of the butterflies patterns, with the even bolder colors and jagged textures of the flowers.

It reminded me of home. My own butterfly garden, now dead with the first frost of last week's cold spell, kept me spellbound from the first planting in early spring until just weeks ago as I watch the butterflies diminish in numbers. How I loved to steal a few moments of everyday, checking in on the winged creatures that inhabited my little garden. It was the first year I tried to attract butterflies.....and they came....and came - all shapes and sizes. They fascinate me. They are so delicate, and they flirt! I would run in and grab my camera, quietly sneak up on one as it was hanging out on the butterfly bush, and just as I was about to snap a shot, it would flight straight at my face and all around me and then up and over the house. My patience tested, I waited. It would come back, and again....taunt and tease me and finally permit me to take it's photo. They are so beautiful. One windy day, a Monarch had gotten trapped in a spider web near the downspout. I had to rescue it. It would have been a shame for such beauty to be the dinner of a lonely spider.

As I enjoyed the butterfly garden of ORU, the carolan bells chimed a hymn that my mother sang to me in my early childhood. My mind wandered back to that tiny house on Lilydale Lane, our first house. I must have been 4 or 5. Every word of the song was present, though the carolan only provided the melody. I could hear my mom's quiet voice singing to me. And I remembered how I felt, as she would tuck me in for the night, softly singing me to sleep with several of her favorite hymns and an occasional Paul Simon song. It was sweet to journey back in time for a few moments today.

Occasionally I need a reminding of my mom's love. Though we live only 30 minutes from each other, sometimes she feels distant and too busy to reconnect. Life gets busy for the both of us. We don't talk as much as I'd like and I miss staying in touch and really sharing who we are and who we become with each other. We say I love you often, but I miss doing little things for each other. I used to play her songs or help in the kitchen. She would brush my hair and massage away the tension in my shoulders from having practiced my flute too much. I couldn't have gotten through high school or college without her support. She's been my guardian angel over the years, a statement that many in my family and many of her colleagues would most likely say as well. She's a gem. I'm lucky she's my mom.

Seems my blogging tonight is proving to be some sort of therapy, as my eyes have been leaking and my face is all wet. Sometimes I need days like to day to remind me of what is meaningful and good in my life. I'm thankful that I was in the right place at the right time to have had all of those elements create the right frame of mind and pull that memory to the front of my mind.

Mom, if you read this.... I love you. Thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for being there for me in the times of challenge and growth and for fun times too. You're a remarkable woman. I will be happy if I can be half the woman that you are.

And with that.... I shall sign off. It was a good day.