i'm back. on so many levels, i'm back.
my week has been exhilarating. i've been reading maestro ben zander's book, The Art of Possibility, a book that i've owned for a while, just had trouble taking off with. i needed a book that i could read on my flights last week, and it seemed to be the right fit in my carry on. it is really a fantastic book for anyone wanting a new perspective and maybe a challenge or the permission to be more. there are tools in the book, which are simply creative, and very simple in concept. i challenged myself to incorporated a few of these concepts this week. in doing so, i found myself feeling lighter, having more success at the tasks at hand, as well as giving others around me the opportunity to have more success at what they were trying to accomplish. i gave myself permission to not take myself so seriously, and in doing so, became more present in everything i was doing. my focus was different, my confidence was different, even my attention to others was different.
i've always had a difficult time relaxing enough and taking the risks necessary to give jazz improv a try. for years, i would play in a steel band quartet or trio, and the leader would ask me if i would like to take a solo. the thought of it at the time terrified me. i had no idea what to do, how to think, what scales to use, what rhythms to use, how to just let go and try. i was so fearful of making a fool out of myself. no confidence at all. so, i always politely said "no thank you," and continued to play my usual part. lately, i've been playing flute with a wonderful guitarist friend of mine, and we've been looking at some of the jazz standards, which i really love to play. we were discussing form, and he said, "you should solo over the head of the piece a couple of times" and i agreed, and sheepishly said, i'll work it out. and to my astonishment, he said, "right now, give it a try." in that moment, i recalled something from ben's book. the next thing i knew, i abandoned my fear, gave myself permission to not only try, but to be successful at it, and moments later, i was improvising over a the chords to How Insensitive. after my first attempt, which was pretty good (no miles or mingus by any means), my friend and i had some great discussion about strategies, and all of a sudden, something clicked, like my mind was opened to a new possibility. we spent the next hour playing that tune, and i improvised a long time, and enjoyed it. i went that same evening to the city library and picked out 10 or so cds and several more jazz fake books to follow along, and then spent my evening listening to thelonius monk, and following the chord progressions. so much fun!
other memorable moments of my exhilarating week include, but are not limited to: reconnecting with a lost high school friend and listening to his beautiful story, spending today lunching, joking and errand running with my beloved grandma, having some breakthrough moments with a few flute students, playing piccolo on Schuman's New England Triptych at tonight's Dayton Philharmonic concert, and having an uncomfortable and somewhat dissonant discussion afterward with my husband, which resolved on a beautiful chord, though we were both emotionally drained from it.
i'm so grateful for the people who are in my life. the timing is always perfect. they always share something that i'm supposed to hear in that moment. between hearing "right now, give it a try" and hearing my friend talk about the last 14 years of his life, i heard exactly what i needed to hear.
for years i was concerned about this friend of mine. he was someone that i sincerely cared about. he moved, we totally lost touch, and i didn't know how to catch up with him. several times a year, i would just sit and wonder how his life ended up and what he was doing. i actually wondered once or twice if he was alive. you know, it is easy to underestimate the impact someone can have on your life, or greater yet, the impact that you have on someone else's life, either negatively or positively. once i heard his story, i felt an indescribable sense of relief, utter joy and peace, the kind of lingers with you for days. The whole experience -- the being concerned and wondering, the listening, and the sense of peace, reinforces in my mind how much purpose we all have, and that there is an unseen hand always there to guide... What beautiful hope that brings to me as so many of us are going through what feels like uncharted waters without a compass. we can choose to walk in love and light, being unafraid of what is to come, knowing that we are not alone on this journey.
My family is my daily lifeline.
My husband inspires me, teaches me, loves me in spite of the crazy hours that I keep and work, and he accepts me even with my flaws. Our relationship is easy... We share a lot and play together, cook together, and work on our house together. He's a creative as well - an artist and graphic designer. Born into a family of musicians, he understands how my life meanders as a musician. He's the first and the last person that I see everyday. I love that.
My daily ritual is to stay connected to at least one of my family members. Sometimes it's a brief shout out to my brother or a quick catch up call to grandma. Other days it's a long conversation with my Aunt Kim, sharing all of the happenings and their details for the whole week. I try to catch mom and dad on the weekends. I have a lot of family that I'm close to. I'm thankful for that.
Good friends are hard to come by, at least that's what I've been told, but I've not found that to be true. I've been blessed with some truly loving, down-to-earth, incredibly supportive friends. They rejuvenate and inspire me, each in their own ways. Some of these friends I've had for over half my lifetime, others - it just feels that way. Just as one might create a family tree, tracing their roots back as far as they can, I like to do a similar activity at least once a year with my friends. I trace back to how I came to know them, what people, places and/or events facilitated having the network of friends that I enjoy so much. It's an eye-opening experience.
When music doesn't have me running here and there, and there's not enough time to take a trip some where, I find time to nurture other creative outlets. When the weather is warm enough, I tend to my flowers and trees and they equally tend to me. Somehow I am refreshed, yet exhausted, when I've spent time in my garden. My kitchen acts as my art studio where I can explore the colors of spices and vegetables. When the mood is right, I try my hand at painting, writing, making jewelry, decorating my space, and photography. My current creative project is remodelling my home. I've picked up some new skills to do this one! Some get learned along the way. It's empowering to see what my husband and I (with the help of a few friends and my dad) have accomplished with our own hands.
Traveling is probably my least nurtured and most nagging passion. The knowledge and perspectives that I've gained as a result of my travels has been what has shaped me and balanced me the most in the last several years. I appreciate the insights that I gain through travel - the insights that I learn about diverse cultures, humanity, all of the splendors of nature, my own strengths and weaknesses, as well as relationships. I've travelled with my family, with church groups, with friends, with students, and with other musicians.
On work and witness trips to Peru (1998 and 1999) I learned what the real meaning of poverty is. The smell of burning trash & diesel and is carved into my memory forever. The sight of millions of tiny shacks, barely hanging onto the side of a mountain foothill changed my mind about what I "need" in life. Witnessing a homeless mother come into a restaurant, begging for our scraps of goat meat, the same meat that I couldn't eat because I didn't like the taste of it, and then moments later watching her give those scraps to her four hollow-eyed, emaciated, young children. They didn't care what it tasted like. It nourished them. My perspective about priorities and what is important in life was drastically changed on these trips.
My trips with Clark Montessori's Steel Bands are very memorable. I travelled with them to South Carolina twice and to Minneapolis once, performing with and growing closer with all of the students. What cool kids! What fun trips and fond memories!
My journey to Trinidad in 2002 was a cultural eye opener. I went to down to play in Panorama - the yearly national steel drum band festival, an event as synonymous with Trinidadian culture as the Superbowl is with American culture. Trinidad is a true melting pot, made up of descendants of original natives of the island, as well as those with Asian, eastern Indian, African, and European heritage. They are passionate about their music and spend a long time learning it by rote, not using any form of writing musical notation at all. The people are so welcoming and warm. The food - fantastic! I'd love to have some shark n' bake right now! The environment was beautiful and the experience intense.
In the summer of 2003 I saw a lot of the US by car, from the southern Pacific coast to northern Atlantic coast, in under 3 weeks. It began with an ever peaceful, very unplanned, hippie-style road trip from Ohio to the Acadia National Park in Maine with a cherished friend and mentor - Kevin. The east coast was never a place I really found interest in, but this trip changed my mind. Between large cities like Boston, Philadelphia and New York with their museums and histories, and the jagged, rocky coastlines lined with tall evergreens spotted with quaint coastal villages with sailboats jetting out of the water, and then stumbling upon Asticou Azalea Garden, a Rockefeller project... what is not to love about the eastern coast? I would love to take that trip again. Not a day after I arrived home from my mental unwind, I took off again. I flew out to Laguna Beach, CA to help my good friend Diana move the rest of her family's belongings back to Ohio, planning only on stopping in Santa Fe, New Mexico to see the art. We managed to get a flat tire just as we arrived in Santa Fe. By the time we got the tire fixed, the galleries were closed. We were traveling the distance with a Zeek, a golden retriever, and two zany cats. We sang a lot of folk music on our trip, and I learned about singer/songwriters like John Prine, Steve Goodman and Fred Holstein. Fun trip...
In 2004, I spent five weeks on a 35' sail boat with a friend of mine name Georg, sailing the Baltic Sea, harboring on small German, Danish, and Swedish islands and in coastal villages, and taking short day hikes on some of the smaller islands. The sights were like nothing I'd seen in the states - absolutely breathtaking, but the strength that I realized I had in me or gained - physical, mental, and emotional was what I learned most about on that trip. I gave a solo recital on the Danish island of Langeland. It was a standing-room only performance and I felt extremely welcome and appreciated. I have such sharp memories of this trip. The way the sea air felt, the long days and short nights, with their gorgeous sunrises and colorful sunsets. Seeing German submarines, and being dive bombed by some military aircraft...
Meandering cobblestone streets,looking at the multi-colored homes that looked so inviting... Cooking every night in the galley kitchen, which meant being creative and not using too many pots, as well as eating fresh!! I ate chocolate all day long, and thanks to keeping my balance on the boat all day and night, and the time I spent at the helm, I didn't even gain weight. In fact, I lost 25 pounds! Sailing is a lifestyle that I could have gotten used to -- all of that exercise and fresh air, beauty all around, time to think, time to write.
It was so peaceful. I took so many photos on that trip. There were also moments that terrified me - like during thunderstorms (an aluminum mast towering above my head wasn't comforting!) or when a storm was brewing and the waves were much higher than the boat - while we were at sea. Being at the helm when Georg was up on the mast, pulling in sail and the waves tossing us all over the place.... I've never been so terrified and then later electrified at the same time. I'm thankful for my friendship with Georg. He's a unique individual who has good taste, appreciates music and the flute, has a generous spirit, and like me, has a need to cut his own pathway through life.
All of life's experiences and connections, from the day-to-day to the monumental ones, offer me sources of inspiration to draw upon. Finding meaning and awe in the little moments in life are sometimes more inspiring than some of the bigger ones. When I play music or write new music, these memories and experiences are the inspirational gems that I often have close at hand.
